The Devil’s Lament

Posted: 07/12/2013 in Church, Skits
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I wrote this monologue several years ago, but I was reminded of it by a friend the other day, and thought I ought to post it here.  It’s the story of humanity from Genesis-Revelation told through the eyes of Satan. Interspersed between various parts of the monologue are verses from Revelation to be read by another reader. Feel free to look up the verses if you’d like.  Also, keep in mind that Satan has a Brooklyn accent. haha. Enjoy!

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I know what you’re thinking… where are the horns and the pitchfork?  I get asked that all the time.  Well, let me first clarify a few things for you.  The horns were just an awkward middle school phase.  I grew out of em eventually.  So don’t worry, some of you will grow out of your horns too.  And the pitchfork??  That was just one time a couple… thousand years or so.  I was in Hell’s Kitchen, right? And we ran out of regular-sized forks, and I was hungry.  I grab the pitchfork, someone snaps a photo, and bada-bing bada-boom… I’m stereotyped.  And then some people ask me about this accent, and I know you were about to, so before you start buggin the hell outta me, let me just ask you a question.  Why wouldn’t the devil be from New York?  Seriously… (sigh) the ignorance of some people.

And let me tell you, it was never easy being the devil, with all the tormenting souls and whatnot.  It wasn’t my first choice of profession.  I really wanted to be God… but that position was “already filled”.  And with a name like mine, you’d be a devil too.  You try growing up in the Bronx when your parents, Mr. and Mrs. Fur, name their beloved son Lucy.  Lucy!  They were expecting a girl and already picked out the name. But who on earth names their son Lucy Fur???  My life was hell… literally.  (Mumbling) I hate that name.

I did have some good times though.  Like there was this one time right after creation.  I was in the Garden.  I put on a lizard suit and convinced some dopey, naked broad to eat a piece of fruit when the Big Guy told her it was a no-no.  Got her and her hubby’s formerly naked bodies kicked outta there so fast. (laughs).  I did miss my arms and my legs for a while though.  But it was worth it.

And then there was this one time when I got everyone on the entire planet live to against God… Well, not everyone.  No good lousy Noah and his stupid boat.  But the whole earth got flooded though.  That was a pretty proud day for me.

(Rev. 21:1-4)

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Things were working good for a couple thousand years or so.  The history of people is full of a bunch of screw ups, thanks to me.  Seriously, I got everyone who was close to God in trouble.  Abe was a liar, Moses was a stuttering murderer with a bad temper, the Israelites were all a bunch of whiners who apparently couldn’t read a map, Saul was a jealous, greedy, dimwit, David got all lusty-eyed and killed a guy, but not before doing a little royal hanky panky with the man’s wife, the temple was built, the temple was destroyed (my personal favorite), then it was rebuilt once more.  All the while, God’s people are sinning like crazy and worshipping Barbie dolls.  Then came a buncha boo-hooey, end is extremely nigh prophets that no one listens to.  It’s like everything God did, these disgusting vermin called humans that he “loves soo much” managed to mess it up.  I couldn’t be happier.

Then comes this schmo Jesus.  Let me tell you about a little story about him.  He goes out into the desert for 40 days and doesn’t eat one bite of food.  I noticed him out there and sensed that he might be a little hungry. Then me, being the nice guy that I am, I offered him a sandwich.  Now this wasn’t no ordinary sandwich.  This was a nice, hot Philly Cheese steak sandwich, and when you’re famished, nothing tastes better.  And there was no catch either!  All he had to do was bow down to me.  Needless to say, I was deeply hurt by his decline of my generous offer.  So I take him to the top of the highest building around, and says “Alright, if your God is soo tough, why don’t you just jump off this building and let him save you”.  Then he tells me that I shouldn’t test God.  Me?!?  As if I would ever try to do something like that.  So I am now particularly perturbed, so I bring out my big guns.  I take him to the top of a mountain and say, “Listen bud… I’m tired of playing games with you.  If you worship me, I’ll give you all the kingdoms of the world.  I got no better offer than that.  Just take it.”  So then he tells to go away.  How rude can this guy be?  Who does he think he is?  The Son of God or something?

Then that’s when I realized what had happened.  I lost.  And you don’t understand… I never lose.  Never.

Then I just couldn’t get rid of that guy.  He was everywhere, and he was ruining everything I had.  People started to understand God better, and they kept ignoring me.  Then, after much trouble on my part, he died… finally.  I get 3 days of peace… 3 days!  Then he comes back to life, and from that point on, everything was different.

(Rev. 19:11-16)

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So after that Jesus guy came back, God pulled another trick on me.  For people who believe in him, he gives them this thing he calls a spirit to live inside of them.  I can’t implant stuff inside of people… believe me, I’ve tried, and it wasn’t pretty.  So it was very difficult to compete with.  And these people with the spirit acted differently.  With the spirit, they could better determine right from wrong, and it was a constant reminder that God was always with them.  They started loving each other and serving each other more and more.  It was enough to make you sick.

Things just kept getting worse from there.  Churches were built all over the world.  And I won individual battles all the time, but it just wasn’t the same.  It never was the same.

(Rev. 19:1-2a, 6b-9a)

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I never thought this day would come.  He kept telling me that it would, but I just didn’t believe him.  I had it all, you know.  I had everything.  People all over the world bowed down to me and worshipped me and worshipped evil.  But now those people are gone.  I had an army, but now I’m all alone.  Chained.  Unable to fight.  Powerless.  Hopeless.  Because I know that there is no room for me on this new earth, no place for me in this new heaven.  I know my future and I made my choice.  This is the end of it all.  And this is what I’ve become.

(Rev. 20:1-3, 7-10)  (Rev. 21:6-7)

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