“My Three X’s”

Posted: 10/20/2010 in Poetry
Tags: ,

This is probably the hardest poem I’ve ever written, for it stirs from a deep sickness and vileness that I once found within me.  I pray it gives some hope and freedom, others conviction, and even others an awareness of our depravity and how far we can fall.

The last time that I saw you
I caught a look in your eyes
And it was a look that made me realize
This would be the last time that I saw you

Cuz in your eyes I saw a reflection
Focused to my face, like a self-projection
Resurrecting what society’s been rejecting

I saw that I became the man
I said I’d never be
No longer free
I had to flee
I hated men like me

So now you are where you are
Cuz I took my advantages
And I can’t really say
That I don’t have a hand in this

Because I loved you on a pedestal
Where I’d push you off and watch me fall
And I’d lift you like the poster on my wall
But I’d fake the fear and fool ‘em all

And I loved you like an addiction
Contradicting my convictions
And inflicting the afflictions
As if our lives were somehow fiction

And so I loved you in secret
Like my conscience had to keep it
Cuz if I leaked it
They’d discover I was weak
And critique it

So I’m sorry

I forgot your humanity

I’m sorry

I misplaced my own sanity

And I’m sorry

For I’ve come to believe
That my sickness runs deeper than yours
Because I pay to lose the dignity
That you cannot afford

So I’m sorry

I’d like to say I didn’t know
But the images through my window
Show things I’m too ashamed to show

And I’m sorry

Because when I finally x’ed you out
I never even knew your name
So now I’m left with one hand on the mouse
And the other holding my head in shame

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Comments
  1. Austin Young says:

    I love you. Just the testimony of this poem encourages me. Thank you so much for sharing it.

  2. B says:

    I love this one.
    Worth reading.
    I totally can relate to it.
    Sad but true.
    Sometimes our pride seems to be the most important thing in the world.
    But hey, we’re not perfect, but that should not be the excuse to break someone else’s heart right?

    Kudos to you my friend!
    Keep writing!

    I hope you join Jingle’s Thursday Rally.

    Love lots,
    B

    BTW, here’s my entry for this week.
    Hope you like it too!

    MOVING ON AND LETTING GO

    HAPPY RALLY!

  3. JE Misz says:

    Austin – Thanks so much for your encouraging words. You are missed and loved!!

    B – Thanks for checking out my blog. I’m considering the rally thing. So far, it seems like a great way to meet new pple on the blog-o-sphere and share some poetry. I also checked out your poem. Good stuff. Keep writing!

  4. jtneumei says:

    really powerful. i was seriously tearing up…wow.

  5. Jingle says:

    original poetry,
    smartly done,
    xx

  6. Jingle says:

    welcome linking in a poem to our potluck today, Thanks in advance!

    http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2010/11/poetry-potluck-buildings-landmarks-and.html

    an award will be given upon participation this week.

  7. garybishop3 says:

    “And I can’t really say, That I don’t have a hand in this”

    Yep. I loved it. And what this poem is about. Way to be ballsy and post this.

    Let’s take another late night road trip soon.

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